So, here goes. Im holding my breath again and I am more than a little nervous.

I know she still has so much to deal with. So do I, really. But I have always been comforted by her presence, and spending so much together recently seems only natural. Who better to understand? Who better to not 'notice', but know all the right things to say?

I am always on the verge of doing something rather foolish - whether its taking a bite of a demon heart, to stepping beyond the boundaries of friendship with a rather embarrassing public display. In both instances, I was defending my own.. um.. ability... oh, alright. I was being foolish.

So, I decided that I should do things properly. Afterall, we have been very close friends for such a very long time. A proper apology, a proper request, properly accompanied by flowers and more than small dose of humility on my part. She doesnt make things easy for me, she never has. I guess... no, I know... I have always admired that about her.

I have the blessing of the guild, at least - nothing matters more than family in the end. I am not publicly declaring a burning, undeniable love for her. I am just looking for the chance to find out if destiny has something more in store for us. I want the chance to make her smile, to see her eyes light up when I surprise her with something unexpected, I want that rushing, tingling feeling when she brushes my hand accidentally... only, I dont want it to be an accident.

So, here goes. Im holding my breath again and I am more than a little nervous.

I was reading through my journal this morning and realized just how many pages I have filled with my thoughts, recollections of my deeds, and events in my life. Its most strange to read back through the time archived here. The life of a single man, and in part, all of those that have touched me. My guild has grown and changed considerably since I joined. It is amazing to see the difference, but we are livelier than every and preparing to build an addition to our all once more. But its not the change in the guild that is most noted, it is the changes in myself. I was so... single minded when I first began writing this journal. I was destined to be a warrior and felt that honor on the battlefield and glory through courageous deeds will fill my life with all that I could ever hope for. Then... I discovered love. That four letter word that gets under your skin like nothing else. I pursued Haleth with dedicated single mindedness. She was a mystery to be solved and I wanted to know more, always more. Just as I was telling Fleur recently, I always always get what I want. One way or another... patience is one of my strongest suits, I will wait out just about any challenge until timing is suitably in my favor, if I need to. I am not afraid to reach for what I want, to ... as one put it... 'offer myself to the alter of fate' to achieve my goals. So, it was Haleth I wanted, Haleth I loved and Haleth was mine in the end. She never really stood a fair chance, but I do really like to think I made her very happy. Our life together was often filled with strained absences and near missed opportunities to see each other, but there was happiness, love, and there will always be memories.
I think that was the first change. Then when she
I dont like completing that sentence. I never have.
Then there was Daisy. Such purity and brightness. She looked to me as her protector and mentor. We became so close, so quickly that it sometimes baffles me. I have never, and I am certain that I will never, know another like her. She showed me the youthful strength of the heart. She loved me past my pain and I found myself falling in love again. There was something captivating about Daisy that I just cant explain. There still is. I cant deny that, but for all the hope, tenderness, understanding, and love that she gave me... for all that she showed me what it could be like to be whole again... I was, perhaps, wrong in my caging of her as mine. Maybe thats not quite the right way to say it. I am certain we were meant to be together. I am certain that I needed her in my life, and I still do, just differently now. I am sure that we were destined to be together - for very certain reasons. I know what many thought about our relationship in the beginning and I protested with every breath in me that they were wrong... and I am in no way saying they were right either. They simply had no way of understanding or knowing... or ever seeing my private struggles with grief and despair, and trying to find my way back to being myself again. I guess pain and my own unhappiness are not things I have ever been very good at expressing or dealing with. It was Daisy, and at times Fleur, that I leaned on. I know my friends offered and I talked with a few of them; but I cant turn myself inside out for just anyone - I found myself easily doing just that with Daisy. Even my journal was woefully neglected. And... so it was with Daisy. I think we both learned a lot more than we could have ever imagined and letting her go is going to hurt for a very long time. But I know in the end, what I did was right and for all the promises I made, the most important was to love her. And I do love her more than myself, so all my selfishness aside... Daisies deserve their time in the sunlight, not in hidden away from the world under a shadow.

So, here I am. I dont regret my decision. I wont be wallowing in self pity and no one will ever find me stropping about the towns or glowering spitefully at happy couples. I think maybe Destiny has had a plan for me all along. Maybe my path has been winding its way through the usual ups and downs, twists and turns, even a few backtracking places... only to test me, teach me, prepare me for where I am today. Yes, I am rather certain that is it. Everything that happens, happens for a reason... and usually that reason to take you to the place you need to be. So, looking back through all of the pages - one coming before another for the very same reason that Sunrifter must set before it may rise again, bringing each new day in its sequence - I realize the greatest lesson you can ever learn is to love and be love in return.

2 levels. Its been a very good two levels. They have passed quickly in the company of Fleur - whom I havent seen train so vigorously since the day we met. Of course, I think the friendly forfeits may be something of an encouragement for her. Then again, if she continues to win... I may not have a shred of dignity left to wager!

There is nothing more humbling than losing a test of strength and skill to a cleric... a girl at that!

Ah, well... what am I to say? Its Fleur. I guess I dont really mind so much. I quite like the challenges she presents.

We talked, as I suppose adults are supposed to do. Azure told me she had shut herself away in her room since the night I told her things couldnt go on the way they were. I think that someday she will fully understand. I hope that one day I will too. There is Right and there is Wrong, understanding doesnt really make the difference. What I did was right. She needs her freedom, needs to be herself, and not be held in the shadow of being merely my wife. Daisy will be, as I always said, one of the greatest warriors Valorn has ever known. I will see to that. I am still so very proud of her.

We talked and it was so very good to see her. Shes changed, but she is alright really. I guess I cant expect anything less. I never thought I would see such pain in those soft brown eyes, pain that I put there. But it really is for the best... it really is. Eventually, she regained some of the bounce in her step when she left. I was glad to see that, inspite of that slight sting left behind at her parting. She will always be an important part of my life and in some ways, I hope she will always need me as part of hers.

Daisy. Not my Daisy anymore. No longer purely bright eyed and full of wonder... a bit harder now, cynical in some ways that I have a feeling she will never forgive me for. But maybe this was all part of it, maybe I was meant to teach her to guard her heart as well. She is strong and will be stronger still... I just know it.

I may one day regret not keeping better track of the past months. Time has a way of multiplying, until one day tomorrow is everyday of the week and nothing that was meant has come to pass and everything that was avoided is all that is waiting.

Ah well... I may one day regret not keeping better track of the past months. But the truth is that I did not; for whatever my reasons, I would soon forget anyway. There are things to come to pass in one's lifetime that are expected - everyone lives and everyone dies and everything between tends to follow a certain pattern. There are ups and downs and everything between. Too many mundanes to name, too many mysteries to explain... and it seems there are but few certainties in life, yet even still there is always love, always hope. And even within broken promises there are pieces that aren't so bad, pieces that can be dusted off and put back together to make something different, something new, and if you are lucky something that stays together better the next time around - a better promise, perhaps. And memories worth keeping.

So here I am in Fleur's once more, journal across my lap and brewsky in my hand, as I try to put down into words these thoughts. I havent been able to make much sense to myself, let alone tried to talk to many others. There is one, however. There has always been the One. Fleur. Fleur, whom I have adored since first picking up a sword and charging into the fray with dreams of glory and honor. It was Fleur that guided me to finding my path with gently prodding questions of my dreams and fears. There has always been Fleur to turn to when I couldnt make sense of things, Fleur that asked the sensible questions, the ones that were so honest it hurt, the ones that needed to be asked - not always expecting them to be answered, just asked. I have always depended on her strength, her candor, her way of seeing straight through me. I have always admired her tenacity and even through her own trials - she has never shyed away from me or let me ever doubt there was room for me in her busy day. Its difficult to remember what life was like before the Twenty Two, before Fleur.

These past months have been difficult for her. I have never seen such loneliness or such sorrow. I told her I would see her smile again, and however fleeting the moments may have seemed, the Ethucan sun saw her smiling once more. I am well aware that you cannot truly escape your troubles by simply putting a distance between them, but it was so very nice to find a place where no one knew our names. For just awhile... just for a time... be completely lost, swallowed up by the crowds of strangers in strange clothes in the busy markets;or lay out in the cool grass, watching the clouds that didnt know they were being watched, to enjoy a leisurely meal; anything that was as far from responsible as one could get. And without the pressures of our every day, it was easy for me to turn to her, to lay down all these mantles and pressures and appearances and .. just.. be. In someways stepping through that Doorway was like stepping into a dream. Aware, but not awake.

But the return to reality was certain in its arrival with a reminder of responsibility and that there are other important things - like friends that need us, as much as we needed to get away. It was time to come home and there will be other times to escape again, when the world and all of its weight seem like too much, there will still be dreams waiting on the other side of the Doorway. Dreams of peace, where childrens laughter echoes more often than the criers call and nothing is more important than sweetrolls.

Maybe Ethucan could use another Royal Guard.